Depression

Daily Post Writing Prompt: Recharge
The ground vibrates under my feet and I cannot deny it any longer. Depression is barreling down on me like a locomotive. I can hear the warning call and see the light in the distance. In my younger days I was able to outrun it by denying it but as I have aged I have lost the ability.

I can see the light rounding the bend and I stand transfixed like a deer in the headlights –I cannot advert my gaze as it comes closer… And closer… And closer… I see the conductor – it is a continuous changing of people who have had some kind authority over my life. Beside the conductor is a figure that slowly morphs into a demon, with pointed ears, red complexion and serpent-like tongue. The train is close enough and  I can hear his laughter – he has caught up with me. His hand reaches for the pull-cord of the whistle.

I call out to a friend to save me. I reach out to my husband to pull me from the tracks, but they cannot hear me for the noise of the train. I am alone in this – and I wait for the inescapable impact.

Maybe I can fight it – but it plows right through me. I am a fool to think that I can battle someone driving a locomotive. The impact plunges me into darkness.

Jonah must have felt this kind of darkness when he was in the belly of the whale and like Jonah, I cry out to God. “Why does this train follow me wherever I go? Why do people set its course to destroy me?“ In the darkness I feel the answer, it feels like a breath of fresh air in the dank place I am in.

The problem is not the conductor of the train but the train itself. The train represents a deep wound and certain people are able to push the button to start it moving. The people wake it up and draw it out into the open. When the realization of this sinks in, the foreboding darkness deepens, for it is easier to fight the devil when he takes on a human form than to face a powerful train. It will take strength I don’t have.

It will require strength outside of myself – a power source that will recharge the light from within me and chase away the darkness and it will take time.

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