Prisoner Of Cowardice

Dailypost prompt: Cowardice

I feel the heat in my cheeks and the quickening heart beat. My jaw clenches and the small hairs stand up on my arms and the back of my neck. I stand rooted to the spot, wanting to run yet my feet refuse to move. Denial sets in – this can’t be happening – not to me. Why is it happening to me? Am I being punished? This is usually my first reaction when a “bad” event happens in my life.  I will do anything to not face it.

I was taught God blesses those who are good and punishes those who sin. This is not a blessing – far from it. What did I do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong? What will people say? I must find a way to justify why this has happen to me. It is not my fault. That is it – find someone or something to blame. I am a victim in all of this. Pity is a powerful tool. I cannot be classified as “bad” if I am the victim.

When I am the victim I do not have to do anything. Why should I? I am not to blame. By being a victim I have created roadblock in my journey. I have an excuse for not moving forward. I have also created a shield for future villains; for how would it look if one would do wrong to a victim? I have created a perfect solution to all the problems life has to offer. A safety zone all wrapped up in being a victim. I do not have to do anything because I am a victim. No one can touch me because I am a victim. I have made myself a nice and tidy prison and fear is the prison guard.

Choosing to stay a victim is an act of cowardice.

This realization was a hard pill for me to swallow. Choosing to stay the victim is allowing fear to dictate my life. I have learned there is only one way to overcome victimization; and it is through forgiveness. The hardest thing I have ever done is face an event and/or person that wronged me and forgive. When I forgive, I release myself from being the victim and take ownership; allowing it to become a part of me, which is more than it being something done to me. If I allow the event or circumstance to become a part of me, I am then able to expand from it or in other words, grow from it. Eventually I am able to move out from under it and eventually I overcame it and I let it go. Or maybe I should say, I am let go from it, free from the prison that it created. This lesson has changed my life and continues to change me for I am still learning. Forgiveness is a huge lesson and it may take my lifetime to learn all it needs to teach me.

Life is not fair and bad things happen to good people. I may not deserve the bad nor do I deserve the good. I believe God does not dish out trials to those who do not live up to a certain standard. Nor do I believe he blesses only those who have acted righteously.   God gives life – it is up to me how I choose to learn from it.




I burst into tears the other day. I was watching old episodes of the tv show Parenthood with my youngest who was recuperating from his wisdom teeth being pulled. He was lounging in the chair, half-sleep, when the weekly scene of the family gathering in the garden for dinner came on. In a dreamlike voice, he muttered through swollen checks, “I wish we could have dinners like that.” I watched the family laugh and toast each over flickering candle light. It was so perfect and I too longed for that experience. I have longed for it for as long as I can remember and now my son has inherited the longing. I  was suddenly filled with such disappointment that I could not contain it, tears flowed and sobs broke. My poor son, sat up in his chair, fully awake. “What is wrong?” a fearful voice asks, as if he did or said something horrible. I could only shake my head between gulps of air, trying to reassure him that this outburst was not caused by anything he did. Continue reading

What to do after forgiveness ….

I transplanted Ryan’s Rose and it looks like it might die. Ryan’s friends gave it to me on the day of his funeral. I have kept it alive for over five years and it was happy where it was. I planted it there because I had no other place to put it at the time. Last week I dug it up and moved it to the new garden with its completed stone path. From the place I call the sanctuary and where I spend my quiet time, the rose is framed beautifully by my arbor. Continue reading

At the end of the day….

I am sitting here watching the day come to an end. I am so exhausted that I can feel it deep in my bones. The burden of all the things that I did not accomplish today weighs heavy on me. The day ends and it seems like it just started. Lord, I cannot believe the spin this world is in. It revolves so fast that I think it makes us crazy – the whole world.

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Who do you think you are!


These are the words that I am hearing ringing inside my head these past couple of weeks. It is the voice of my mother, hands on hips and eyes huge with anger and through clenched teeth “who do you think you are!” It is not a question, but a statement. I hear it now as I sit in my quiet time getting ready to write today’s blog. I was working on a piece I wrote last April, but these words keep getting in my way. I cannot get past them.

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